Dipper and Mikey's Guide to Gravity Falls: Tourist Trapped
by Alcor618
Summary: Dipper and Mikey Pines are fraternal twins from Piedmont, California. What seemed to be a boring summer ahead at their Graunt Sibylla's tourist trap soon turns out to be full of amazing (and dangerous) adventures! Read on to find out what changes in their first adventure. Gravity Falls Genderbent AU.
1. In Which Dipper Pines Finds A Journal

"Dip, what's with the long face? You'll start looking like Grandma if you keep that frown. Not that Grandma looks bad, but y'know what I'm getting at."

Dipper Pines just grumbles in reply, looking at the speeding cars beside their bus currently heading to Gravity Falls, Oregon. "I just can't understand why Mom and Dad would send us to some relative we barely know who lives in a literal shack in the woods. It's probably haunted too."

"Aw, lighten up, Dippin-dots. Besides, maybe this is your chance to get that big summer romance!"

"For the last time, Mikey, boys are stinky."

After a moment's consideration, Dipper adds an "Especially you" for good measure. Mikey blows a raspberry at his sister in reply. "Like you smell any better!" He says, the two of them giggling.

Mikey always knows how to brighten up his sister's day, but that's expected from siblings as close as them. He usually refers to it as their "mystical twin connection".

And, to be fair, they considered each other as their best friend. They had each other's backs: Mikey always manages to appear out of nowhere whenever Jenna and her "clique" bullied Dipper, and his sister returns the kind gesture by helping Mikey with his Math homework. Neither of them really were that popular at school, but at least Mikey had his handful of friends that he'd play video games with after school. He had Dipper play for him once (and she UTTERLY WRECKED his friends) but they went all "nice and gooey" when they heard her on voice chat.

"They didn't even put up a fight anymore! I mean, Paul practically caught all my spells with that stupid armor of his." Mikey laughed at the memory of both his sister and his friends misunderstanding what those small gestures meant to the other party. _These young minds will never understand the intricamalacies of true love. Unlike this guy!_

* * *

The bus stopped in town after a few hours. "Mikey, c'mon wake up! I need to go to the bathroom and you might get shipped back to Piedmont if I leave you here!"

"No, Sergeant Pastorton, I was not sleeping on the job! Ah, wait. Sorry Dip. Alright, let's go!" Mikey grabbed his sister's hand and dragged her out of the bus with him. He put the big duffel bag labeled "Piedmont" on top of his camo-patterned stroller bag.

"I'll be gone for just three minutes. We'll be able to catch the bus that goes around town right in a few. Don't get lost without me, okay?"

"Okay, Mom," Mikey replied with another extremely wet raspberry. He started walking away, saying "Don't fuss over me so much, Dip. I can handle myself. Remember, I'm 5 minutes older than you!" When he looked back, he saw that Dipper was actually gone.

 _Hm. Well, that probably looked stupid._ He sat down on one of those metal chairs that were always in a row and waited for Dipper to finish with her business.

* * *

"Welcome to the Mystery Shack, the home of anomalies such as the Sascr-"

"We know about the Sascrotch, Aunt Sibylla." Dipper sighed as she pointed to the undie-equipped Sasquatch rip-off. "And it's obviously fake."

"Now I like great minds when I see 'em, but not so much when I lose money because of 'em! I don't want to catch you saying that around them customers, okay? Okay, we've settled that." The deceptively sweet old lady took a breath, then shouted.

"BILL! GET YOUR A-ehem" _Language, Sibs,_ she reminded herself, "GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE! THE KIDS NEED HELP WITH THEIR STUFF!"

A tall, lanky redhead shuffled out the door of the shack, nodded at the twins with a lazy smile, and took the bags up. "Sure, Mrs. P."

When Bill disappeared back into the gift shop entrance, Mikey asked her graunt a question. "Graunt Sibs, who was that?"

"Oh, that dear was William Corduroy. He's that lumberjack lady's only son. Says he looks a lot like his pop whenever she comes by. Poor lady."

"Now, come in! Come in. The Shack won't give way under your feet, don't worry!"

* * *

RING! RING! RING!

The loud clanging of bells woke up Dipper and Mikey from their deep sleep, clearly exhausted from the trip yesterday.

"SHACK MEETING DOWNSTAIRS! NOW!"

The twins hurried down the stairs, with Mikey opting to slide down the railing. "Hey Dipsies, look at my butt splinters! Eeeeew!" He snorted in laughter. They entered the gift shop with Bill and Ria inside, with a very serious looking Sibylla Pines. _This was her businesswoman mode,_ she'd tell herself.

"The tourist trap season starts today. Many people are driving interstate, so that means a lot of potential customers for us. Ria, replace the light bulbs out front and repaint the totem. Bill, ready the gift shop. And someone has to hang up these signs in the woods."

"Not it," the twins immediately said.

"Well, tough luck kids. Mikey, you're going out."

Mikey huffed and said, "Last night I heard some wolves out there. What if they were howling because they found some frogs to eat and then they were telling their packmates that 'Hey, we have meat'? I can't take that risk, Graunt Sibs. I hate frogs."

"Can't argue with that logic. Dipper, you're on duty." Sibylla took one look at the girl's opened mouth and quickly added, "No but's except yours out the door. Get!"

Dipper took the signs, a hammer, and a couple of nails and headed out towards the woods.

* * *

 _Do wolves even eat frogs? Stupid Sibs. Who'll even see these signs out here anyway?_ Dipper complained to herself as she hammered a nail into a tree. Surprisingly, the nail got bent as a metallic clang rang through the tree. _Huh. That was totally NOT a tree_ , Dipper thought.

After feeling around the faux bark, she felt a handle. She pulled the door open and saw a small control panel with only two switches. As she was playing around with the switches, she felt something shift under her feet.

Looking behind her, she saw a fresh hole in the ground containing a leather-bound book with a six-fingered golden hand on its cover, the number three painted on the hand. She opened the book to its first few pages and started reading.

 _It's hard to believe it's been six years since I began studying the strange and wondrous secrets of Gravity Falls, Oregon._

Dipper was left speechless with her discovery. It was a journal detailing supernatural creatures and objects found in the small, sleepy town she was currently trapped in for the whole summer. Could it actually be true? And would Mikey be game for an adventure a day? While going through all the possibilities laid out for her, her gaze stopped on a certain page.

 _Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I'm being watched._ It seemed like whoever wrote the journal did their best to hide it away, for fear of a certain someone finding it. What made Dipper stop in her tracks, though, was the last line of the page.

 _Remember: in Gravity Falls, there is no one you can trust._


	2. Mikey Meets His Fate (?)

"What does this all mean?"

Dipper wondered aloud while flipping through the next pages. They were surprisingly – "blank. What are you reading a blank book for, sis?"

Mikey's sudden appearance scared the living daylights out of Dipper, who uttered one of those little-kid mini-curses. After regaining composure, she gestured for her brother to come closer.

A fist connects with Mikey's shoulder. "Ow!" The boy rubs the painful area with a gentleness mostly seen in mothers holding newborn babies. "What'd you do that for?"

"What else? You scared the ever-loving waffles outta me! Now let's go somewhere more private. I have to show you what I discovered." As Dipper got ready to go back to the Shack, her brother's hand suddenly stopped her movement. "No. We stay here, and you tell me what this is all about." Dipper stops in her tracks, and hesitantly agrees to her brother's demands.

"Okay, so I found this journal somewhere deeper in the woods," she says with a matching gesture towards the area, "and apparently Gravity Falls is more dangerous and interesting than it seems. They have barf faeries, something called a Gobblewonker, a-"

"A human squash with emotions? No offense Dip, but this is kinda farfetched. Like one of those games I play. Woah. What if I'm actually a dozen gnomes disguised as a person?" Dipper laughs at the notion, then darts back to the Mystery Shack with her brother in quick pursuit. "Come back, my Gnome Queen!"

Little did they know, a group of tiny men were convening behind a bush, hearing all the things they said (or rather, shouted and screamed). "That sounds like a great idea, boy."

* * *

If one would look into the attic of the Shack, one would see a twelve-year old girl obsessively poring into a mysterious journal. One would see her jump in surprise after hearing her brother shout her name from the gift shop. "Coming!"

"Dipper, I'd like to introduce you to Norman. I met him in the graveyard earlier!" With a stage whisper, he adds, "I think he's interested in you."

Taken aback by the fact that her _brother_ was the one to find her someone to date, she pulled Mikey aside. "What made you think this was a good idea?"

"Well, maybe I wouldn't have to find you a boyfriend if you got around more by yourself. You should be thanking me," Mikey said while slapping a sticker on his sweater saying _Michael Pines, Matchmaker Extraordinaire_.

"Ugh! Fine, do me a favor and entertain him for a while. I just need to finish the book."

 _For the bleventeenth time,_ Mikey thought as he walked out of the Shack with Norman. "So, what'd you think of my sister?"

Norman spoke, a gravelly tone with a hint of what, phlegm? "I'll have to think about it. Do you think she'll be disgusted at the fact that I'm actually a bunch of gnomes?"

"Probably not but- wait, what?"

'Norman' took off his hoodie, revealing gnomes. Lots of them. _That's why he looked like he works out. Dang. I have to get a few of these guys into my shirt._ _Still, what?_

"Judging from your reaction, this isn't okay." After talking amongst themselves, they came to a consensus. "Well, we can't let this effort go to waste! We'll just have you as a feast for our people."

If one would look into the woods carefully, one would see a twelve-year old boy screaming bloody murder while being dragged into the woods by little men. A while later, one would also see his twin frantically moving around the Shack, looking for the keys to the golf cart. "I'm coming, Mikey!"

* * *

 **AN: Hello, my few readers. I started this fic as a writing exercise (English isn't my first language), so reviews would be appreciated. Also, how would Dipper and Mikey be able to defeat the huge MechaGnome thing (aside from the canon leafblower). Suggestions are welcome. Thanks for reading!**


	3. Dipper's Big Day

Deep into the woods of Gravity Falls, a group of gnomes were starting up a fire for their special roast.

"Don't mean to boast, but we're making a roast, of this li'l human boy, eating you'll be a joy," the gnome leader Jeff hummed, as he stirred a pot of soup. "Let me go! Dipper! Help!" Mikey was shouting, struggling against the ropes holding him down. "Keep fighting, kid! It massages your meat. No better food than the food that fights back, as my gramps used to say." He ordered the other gnomes to gather more firewood. Little did they know, Dipper Pines was hidden in one of the bushes nearby.

"Gnomes? Seriously? Okay, gnomes, gnomes, gnomes. Gotta be here somewhere." She flipped through the pages of the Journal, passing the pages she already read. She stopped on the page on "Gnomes", but was severely disappointed when...

"No weaknesses? Seriously?" She grabbed the shovel that Ria handed her when she passed by her on the way to the woods, and proceeded to jump out of the bush with the best war cry she could muster.

The gnomes looked in her direction as she charged them with a shovel, missing every single one. "Let go of my brother!", she cried out. Jeff stopped stirring his pot and glared at the girl. "Who are you to tell us what to do? You have no idea what our kind can achei-"

The gnome chief was cut off mid-sentence as Dipper scooped him up on her shovel and tossed him away, almost landing in the pot he was stirring. She cut Mikey's ropes with the tool and helped him up on his feet. "Come on! We don't have much time!" The twins ran back into the general direction of the Shack, but with the sheer number of gnomes present, they quickly found themselves surrounded.

"I gotta hand it to you girl, you _are_ quite feisty. I like that. So, you know me and I know you. Why don't we skip the formalities and go right to the wedding?" Jeff knelt down on one knee, holding out a ring. "Ever since we lost our last queen, I always had one ring in handy. So, Dipper Pines, would you take me and the rest of the thousand gnomes as your husbands in holy matrignomey? I mean, matrimony? Dangit, I always mess that up."

Between being faced with the horrible eternity of being the gnome queen and saving her dear brother (who still managed to get in trouble even in this small town, she might add), Dipper Pines' bright mind hatched an idea. A disgusting one, but hopefully it'll be enough to save Mikey. "Okay, gnome-"

"Jeff. The name's Jeff," the gnome leader interjected.

"Ugh, okay. Jeff. I will marry you, on one condition." Dipper braced herself and put on her best girly facade. "I always had my idea of a dream wedding, and one of the most important parts was when Mikey sang a wedding song during the ceremony. So can you give me that on our wedding day," she gulped before saying the next word, "honey?"

"Hot diggity dang! I'd do anything for my queen! Okay, boys, set up the grove. We're having a wedding party!"

* * *

Dipper found herself without her vest or her cap, and with little flowers braided into her hair. To be fair, these gnomes know how to make their queen feel special. _Agh, Dipper, it's no time to be a girly girl now. This is for your bro,_ she reminded herself. She looked at her nails, painted with a glowing dye. _Magical._

"Okay, the ceremony's about to start! Roll out the grass carpet!" A strip of green grass was rolled out onto the center of the grove, with Jeff waiting on one end and Dipper, Mikey in tow, in the other. They walked down the aisle towards Dipper's tiny man-to-be. Mikey sobbed and whispered to his sister, "I can't believe you're getting married to a bunch of gnomes. It seems like it was only yesterday when I held you in my hands when you were an infant..."

"Shut it Mikey! And besides, we're twins! How would you do that?"

"I just thought you needed a weepy father on your wedding day, ya know?"

Dipper tried her best to hold back her surprise and anger and all the emotions she was feeling and tone it down to an angry whisper. "How are you so calm? Aren't you gonna be eaten after you sing?"

"Nah, sis, I know you have a plan. I trust you enough to know you won't ACTUALLY marry these jerks," Mikey said with a smile. They reached the end of the aisle, with Jeff holding Dipper's hand. He took a look at Mikey, who was grinning, and said, "Don't be so smug, boy. You're still the wedding feast for today."

"Okay! Let's start with the list of gnomes you'll marry! There's Jeff (that's me), Steve, Carson, Jason..."

* * *

After what felt like a century, the list came to an end. "Now for the special wedding song! Dipper dear, what do you want your brother to sing?"

Dipper browsed her mind for the highest, squeakiest, poppiest, most ear-bleedingly bubblegum pop song the two of them knew. With a grin, she reached a conclusion. "Disco Girl, by BABBA."

"Ooooh, 80s kid. Okay, band, hit it!" The gnome keyboardist tossed Mikey a mic, who started to sing.

 _Weekend's starting  
It's almost night  
And only dancing makes me feel right  
_

 _So I go to the nearest disco  
Where they only play the hits  
And I get into the beat  
The DJ hits repeaaaaaaaaaaat  
And I sing_

 _Disco girl, coming through  
That girl is you_

 _Oooh! Ooooh!_

 _Disco girl, coming through  
That girl is you  
_ _You can groove, show your moves  
Make everyone see_

 _Disco girl, coming through  
That girl is you_

 _Oooh! Ooooh!_

Mikey, as Dipper so perfectly predicted, hit the highest notes with the squeakiest puberty voice known to man. Jeff and the gnomes reeled in pain from the high pitched noise Mikey was making. "Agh! It hurts!"

Dipper stood over Jeff, with Mikey still singing (a capella, as the band was incapacitated) in the background. "Now, you do what I tell you to, or my brother will continue singing the rest of BABBA's greatest hits. Deal?"

"Yes! Deal! Just go away!" Jeff and the rest of the tiny men scrambled away from the twins.

* * *

"Hey Dipper."

The girl turns to her brother, who continues talking. "I'm sorry for forcing you to have a date with a boy. Especially because that boy turned out to be a bunch of gnomes.

"Aw, it's okay Mikey." Dipper hesitates for a moment before adding, "Awkward sibling hug?"

"Awkward sibling hug."

The two children hug, before adding "Pat. Pat." They hear Sibylla calling for them from inside the Shack. Michael and Dipper Pines go inside, as night falls.

* * *

"Kids, I know that this Shack isn't really the epitome of fun for people your age, but it's just nice to be able to have some life in the house. That's actually why I agreed to take you in for the summer. Tell you what, as compensation for your boring stay here, I'll let you take one item from the gift shop. Free of charge."

"Really, Graunt Sibs?"

"Thank you so much!"

The twins run into the gift shop, trying on several shirts and caps, and looking at different items. Dipper settles on a yellow cap with a felt green pine on it, and Mikey, unsurprisingly, went for a grappling hook he found in one wayward box.

"Dear, wouldn't you want a nice bobblehead Mrs. Mystery instead? Or a snow globe?" Sibylla asked, worry evident on her face.

"Nuh-uh. Grappling hook!"

Dipper laughs at her Graunt's resigned expression while Mikey looked at his new grappling hook in awe and amazement. This was going to be the best summer of his life. She knew it.

* * *

 **AN: It took so long for me to get the ending together! Thanks to _attention_ for suggesting that turn of events. I'm sure other people would appreciate your attention too! **

**The chorus for Disco Girl is from the wonderful Brad Breeck and Mr. H himself. You can hear it for yourself in the episode "Dipper vs. Manliness". Thanks for reading!**

* * *

Midnight comes and as the children sleep, their great aunt slips through the walls of the Shack itself. The vending machine opens, emitting a ghostly blue light. Sibylla Pines looks around, and disappears into her secret room.

 **FQJCL QJWPN BJWMF QJCMX NBWCO RWMXD CRWCQ NWNGC LQJYC NA**


	4. Goodbye For Now

I won't be able to update this story anymore. Creative juices just aren't flowing, and the situations I've thought of were WAY too similar to the canon ones. Thanks for reading DMGF: Tourist Trapped. I'll try to work on other stories.


End file.
